My friend Missy is pretty convinced her ex is having his friends call her phone and hang up. She swears this is what is happening. It’s not telemarketers. I think it’s telemarketers.
Either way, both are phone calls she doesn’t want to receive.
She’s one of those weird people who actually answers their phone every time someone calls. It bothers her to just let the voicemail get it, and then not check the voice mail.
Side Story about my Grandma
But then I got to thinking about the one time I pranked called my grandmother.
We were meeting at a hotel in Columbus, OH, for some kind of medical thing. I forget who was getting a medical thing done, but it might of been my grandma, which makes me even a bigger asshole than I’m about to confess.
As soon as we got to the hotel, my sister and I headed straight for the room, and my mother asked us to call Grandma’s room number and let her know we were there.
So I called Grandma’s Room Number, and Grandma answered the phone in her sweet, innocent, old, lady voice.
I said, “Hello. This is Konnichiwa from Konnichiwa’s Whore House. Your husband owes a large sum of money to our establishment, and I was wondering when you could make a payment.”
Now first of all, I’m fully aware that ‘konnichiwa’ means ‘hello.’
Second, my grandmother, whether intentionally or not as I still to this day -25 years later- have some questions about this, turned right around with one helluva doozie and pranked the prankster. Without missing a beat, she replied, “How did you get this number?”
Then she sounded a bit confused and terrified, so I immediately told her it was me.
Which is why I still kind of have questions.
Back to Unwanted Phone Calls
But anyway, thinking back to that, I decided I’d help Missy answer her phone properly when the same number calls her a second time within hours of the last phone call.
Keep in mind that Missy is over the age of 50, and there’s a good chance her ex’s friends were calling her, and they too are over the age of 50 though he, himself, was like 30 because Cougar Alert. But I say this because you know how those conservative redneck men are who are over the age of 50. GULLIBLE!
So the Phone Rings… It’s an a-hole number… You answer…
1. “Thank you for completing your purchase. The checking account associated to this phone number will be charged $473 dollars in the next 3 business days. [hang up]”
2. “Betty’s Brothel. We’ll slurp your glurp. Oh, it’s you. Hold on. I’ll get your mother. She’s with a client. Down bessie. [hang up]”
3. “I know where you hid the body [hang up]”
4. “Thank you for calling the International Herpes Hotline. We apologize for the current breach in security where hackers are obtaining all the phone numbers and IP Addresses from queries. We hope to have the situation under control in the next few days. Until then, our services have been temporarily disabled. Thank you again for calling the International Herpes Hotline. [hang up]”
5. “It’s done. But there’s blood everywhere. [breathe heavily]”
I don’t know which ones Missy has tried, but the amount of phone calls have diminished temporarily when she employs these methods. Like 6 whole months of reduced unwanted calls that were manageable (like one telemarketer every 3 days instead of 10 phone calls from local numbers a day).
But you know it’s hard to tell because she also called her ex and left an angry, drunk message on his voicemail threatening to call the police if he doesn’t stop harassing her.